Saturday, July 31, 2010
Laughter is my defense mechanism
She told me "Nicole, your funny."
Not because at that moment i was actually funny in the "knock knock" sense. She was refering to my ability to laugh in the face of all pain, heartache, confusion, dissatisfaction & ignorance. Most specifically she was refering to that moment, when she could see my pain in the sadness of my eyes.
For these instances, laughter has always been the best thing I could come up with. When its pure its stands on its own. When its not, only the few and far between have enough insight into me to know the smiles aren't genuine.
Over time, I've found if i laugh first nobody has the oportunity to respond to me in a way that may challenges me, hurt me, or even destroy me. Extreme emotion - i'd rather people not know about. The vulnerability created when people are able to appraise exactly what I value and exactly what hurts, shakes me to my core.
While i write this i'm not sure how I feel about that fear, but I dont know any different. In the household i was raised in, my mother was the consistant. She remains the rock. The constant success, so much so that her accomplishments have started to go unnoticed. The dependable actor. Glimpses of her vulnerability were vaguely recognlizable until recently. She has never needed help. This mindset has been ingrained in me since such a young age that i cant even imagine the first step in letting other people help. I just laugh.
Laugh at the impossibility of taking on the world by myself
Laugh at the tragic nature of the "me against the world" mentality
Laugh at the ability to hide behind my laughter
Laugh at the ability to speak exactly how i feel
As long as what is being said is stated with a smile so it does not offend
Laugh at those people for not understanding my cynicism
Laugh at the inability to trust that people are kind in nature
Laugh at the inability to communicate our deepest emotions
Laugh at the inability to embody the values we stand for
Laugh at the conquerable
Laugh in Love the first time your mind chooses to accept you heart
Laugh in family, who's words and actions will forever shape
Laugh in the presence of the most beautiful people
who can only be explained as the embodiment of a higher force
Laugh in Faith that everyday is exactly how it should be
Laugh in Beauty when its found it the most unexpected places
Laugh in Art - classical, modern, in the faces of strangers
Laugh in Men, their strength, their beauty, their love
Laugh in Truth
Not because at that moment i was actually funny in the "knock knock" sense. She was refering to my ability to laugh in the face of all pain, heartache, confusion, dissatisfaction & ignorance. Most specifically she was refering to that moment, when she could see my pain in the sadness of my eyes.
For these instances, laughter has always been the best thing I could come up with. When its pure its stands on its own. When its not, only the few and far between have enough insight into me to know the smiles aren't genuine.
Over time, I've found if i laugh first nobody has the oportunity to respond to me in a way that may challenges me, hurt me, or even destroy me. Extreme emotion - i'd rather people not know about. The vulnerability created when people are able to appraise exactly what I value and exactly what hurts, shakes me to my core.
While i write this i'm not sure how I feel about that fear, but I dont know any different. In the household i was raised in, my mother was the consistant. She remains the rock. The constant success, so much so that her accomplishments have started to go unnoticed. The dependable actor. Glimpses of her vulnerability were vaguely recognlizable until recently. She has never needed help. This mindset has been ingrained in me since such a young age that i cant even imagine the first step in letting other people help. I just laugh.
Laugh at the impossibility of taking on the world by myself
Laugh at the tragic nature of the "me against the world" mentality
Laugh at the ability to hide behind my laughter
Laugh at the ability to speak exactly how i feel
As long as what is being said is stated with a smile so it does not offend
Laugh at those people for not understanding my cynicism
Laugh at the inability to trust that people are kind in nature
Laugh at the inability to communicate our deepest emotions
Laugh at the inability to embody the values we stand for
Laugh at the conquerable
Laugh in Love the first time your mind chooses to accept you heart
Laugh in family, who's words and actions will forever shape
Laugh in the presence of the most beautiful people
who can only be explained as the embodiment of a higher force
Laugh in Faith that everyday is exactly how it should be
Laugh in Beauty when its found it the most unexpected places
Laugh in Art - classical, modern, in the faces of strangers
Laugh in Men, their strength, their beauty, their love
Laugh in Truth
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
On Repeat in my Soul
A worthwhile exchange
My Favorite:
"I beg you…to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer…"
His:
"So you mustn’t be frightened if a sadness rises in front of you, larger than any you have ever seen; if an anxiety, like light and cloud-shadows, moves over your hands and over everything you do. You must realize that something is happening to you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall. Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, any depression, since after all you don’t know what work these conditions are doing inside you?"
Rainer Maria Rilke - Letters to a Young Poet
My Favorite:
"I beg you…to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer…"
His:
"So you mustn’t be frightened if a sadness rises in front of you, larger than any you have ever seen; if an anxiety, like light and cloud-shadows, moves over your hands and over everything you do. You must realize that something is happening to you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall. Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, any depression, since after all you don’t know what work these conditions are doing inside you?"
Rainer Maria Rilke - Letters to a Young Poet
Electric Lips
flickering candlelight
caused a ripple on the surface of his eyes
warm chocolate eyes
sweetening my wine
molasses smoke,
licked guitar cries,
and his honey sweet voice
catch in my tight curls
and his spring coat creating the sensation
hours later as i watch the sun rise from his bed
the sensation of
electric lips
buzzing and warm
thousands of nerves standing on end
from his pillow-soft kiss and sweet earth scent
a vanilla-tinted breeze
drying these drenched seets
after i spent all day avoinding his whit hot glances
averting the enerfy transfered in a cordial embrace
remembering the feeling
electric lips
how can it be
that everyone around us
didn't feel the air heating up
from the race my heart was in with itself
or maybe with his...?
either way
we both win
7AM
electric hips
electric kiss
electric
lips
-a lady of love
caused a ripple on the surface of his eyes
warm chocolate eyes
sweetening my wine
molasses smoke,
licked guitar cries,
and his honey sweet voice
catch in my tight curls
and his spring coat creating the sensation
hours later as i watch the sun rise from his bed
the sensation of
electric lips
buzzing and warm
thousands of nerves standing on end
from his pillow-soft kiss and sweet earth scent
a vanilla-tinted breeze
drying these drenched seets
after i spent all day avoinding his whit hot glances
averting the enerfy transfered in a cordial embrace
remembering the feeling
electric lips
how can it be
that everyone around us
didn't feel the air heating up
from the race my heart was in with itself
or maybe with his...?
either way
we both win
7AM
electric hips
electric kiss
electric
lips
-a lady of love
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Sometimes I Forget Why I Love New York....
and just as that happens i'm reminded again.
A days worth of examples.
1) On the way to work (approximately 8:00 AM) as i trudge the same path to the subway i'm cognizant of the new faces that come with a new neighborhood. There's a guy i've not seen before walking his dog. He caught my eye for a sec as do most men with their fair share of tattoos but thats not why he was memorable. Literally as I walked by, his dog drops a massiveee two. like three human twos right there on the street. I hurry past but the potent scent lingers. ... Happy Wednesday...
2) I'm standing on the platform oat 145th st waiting for my chaffer...or the downtown A train, whatever you want to call it. My 6. head is tucked in a book as its too late to be starting conversations with strangers. I glance up briefly and see a decent looking man across the platform waiting for the uptown train. Avert my eyes, and i'm back at my book. I feel a tap on my shoulder. Same guy. He's missed his train and walked over to my platform to introduce himself and ask what i was reading. The standard "where are you from", "what do you dos" are exchanged. As quickly as it starts, it ends but the introduction is refreshing.
3) I'm waking across town from West 4th to my humble abode. I make it to about Bleeker and broadway and i see a homeless man strait chillin on this midsummer night (Bigups! mr shakespeare). Feet kicked up, leaned back on his cardboard couch with a hand rolled cigarette hanging off his lip. pause. with his CELLPHONE in his hand engrossed in whatever tomfoolery he was engaged in...PLUGGED into an outdoor storefront outlet. Just a regular day recharging the batteries. Please note...last time i checked, cell phones required a billing address and last i check, shelters do not allow theur tenants to use the shelter address as their permanent resident address. so, pray tell...how is this possible.
so like i said, i love new york
OTHER REASONS NYC IS TO LEGIT TO QUIT
AND SOON TO COME...
What other city could pull this off. It's the biggest street ball stage, meets the MECCA of organized basketball meets the epicenter of NY...bright lights and all.
A days worth of examples.
1) On the way to work (approximately 8:00 AM) as i trudge the same path to the subway i'm cognizant of the new faces that come with a new neighborhood. There's a guy i've not seen before walking his dog. He caught my eye for a sec as do most men with their fair share of tattoos but thats not why he was memorable. Literally as I walked by, his dog drops a massiveee two. like three human twos right there on the street. I hurry past but the potent scent lingers. ... Happy Wednesday...
2) I'm standing on the platform oat 145th st waiting for my chaffer...or the downtown A train, whatever you want to call it. My 6. head is tucked in a book as its too late to be starting conversations with strangers. I glance up briefly and see a decent looking man across the platform waiting for the uptown train. Avert my eyes, and i'm back at my book. I feel a tap on my shoulder. Same guy. He's missed his train and walked over to my platform to introduce himself and ask what i was reading. The standard "where are you from", "what do you dos" are exchanged. As quickly as it starts, it ends but the introduction is refreshing.
3) I'm waking across town from West 4th to my humble abode. I make it to about Bleeker and broadway and i see a homeless man strait chillin on this midsummer night (Bigups! mr shakespeare). Feet kicked up, leaned back on his cardboard couch with a hand rolled cigarette hanging off his lip. pause. with his CELLPHONE in his hand engrossed in whatever tomfoolery he was engaged in...PLUGGED into an outdoor storefront outlet. Just a regular day recharging the batteries. Please note...last time i checked, cell phones required a billing address and last i check, shelters do not allow theur tenants to use the shelter address as their permanent resident address. so, pray tell...how is this possible.
so like i said, i love new york
OTHER REASONS NYC IS TO LEGIT TO QUIT
AND SOON TO COME...
What other city could pull this off. It's the biggest street ball stage, meets the MECCA of organized basketball meets the epicenter of NY...bright lights and all.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)