Laughter is my defense mechanism

She told me "Nicole, your funny."

Not because at that moment i was actually funny in the "knock knock" sense. She was refering to my ability to laugh in the face of all pain, heartache, confusion, dissatisfaction & ignorance. Most specifically she was refering to that moment, when she could see my pain in the sadness of my eyes.

For these instances, laughter has always been the best thing I could come up with. When its pure its stands on its own. When its not, only the few and far between have enough insight into me to know the smiles aren't genuine.

Over time, I've found if i laugh first nobody has the oportunity to respond to me in a way that may challenges me, hurt me, or even destroy me. Extreme emotion - i'd rather people not know about. The vulnerability created when people are able to appraise exactly what I value and exactly what hurts, shakes me to my core.

While i write this i'm not sure how I feel about that fear, but I dont know any different. In the household i was raised in, my mother was the consistant. She remains the rock. The constant success, so much so that her accomplishments have started to go unnoticed. The dependable actor. Glimpses of her vulnerability were vaguely recognlizable until recently. She has never needed help. This mindset has been ingrained in me since such a young age that i cant even imagine the first step in letting other people help. I just laugh.

Laugh at the impossibility of taking on the world by myself
Laugh at the tragic nature of the "me against the world" mentality
Laugh at the ability to hide behind my laughter
Laugh at the ability to speak exactly how i feel
As long as what is being said is stated with a smile so it does not offend
Laugh at those people for not understanding my cynicism
Laugh at the inability to trust that people are kind in nature
Laugh at the inability to communicate our deepest emotions
Laugh at the inability to embody the values we stand for

Laugh at the conquerable

Laugh in Love the first time your mind chooses to accept you heart
Laugh in family, who's words and actions will forever shape
Laugh in the presence of the most beautiful people
who can only be explained as the embodiment of a higher force
Laugh in Faith that everyday is exactly how it should be
Laugh in Beauty when its found it the most unexpected places
Laugh in Art - classical, modern, in the faces of strangers
Laugh in Men, their strength, their beauty, their love

Laugh in Truth

Mys-tique Nightcrawler Rogue

Every so often in life every one of us is granted our share of miracles. Now miracles are often thought to be those things that "Wow". That one thing you've longed for as a kid you've finally achieved, an experience you could have only imagined in your dreams somehow magically presenting itself, meeting your favorite celebrity completely by chance and ending up becoming friends. While this breed of occurrences is nothing short of awesome, what about the miracles that happen incrementally? It's like they get overlooked because there isn't one specific moment they can be pinned to. How simple minded of us (or maybe its just me) not to appreciate them simply because our concept of time allows for overwhelming emotion to be more memorable when tied to one moment rather than a series of associated moments, people or locations. What is this obsession with time? (another topic for another day)

Really this post is meant to take a step back. More often then not, we are to caught up in making it through our days without making ourselves crazy that we do not get these opportunities. I'd like to take this one to appreciate a miracle.

Its happened incrementally. and blossomed beautifully. With additions always welcome, we celebrate each other. In the last two months i've had the pleasure of watching/ partaking in the growth of friendship that is the stuff that lasts for lifetimes. These women are the type who will change the world. They push you to make you better. They listen so well that they make up the few of the masses that ask the right questions. Insightful, educated questions. The questions that test you and force you to reflect. In knowing them, i have come to know myself better. I've been able to articulate out loud things that i've hidden from all my life (or at least failed to mention because i knew nobody understood me enough to even notice). They have opened my mind and made me a better version of myself. For that I am forever indebted.

Like most women, especially most women of our generation we are an enigmatic bunch. A laundry list of adjectives does not suffice in describing these women. They are strong and compassionate. Hardened by realities and driven dreams. Carriers of a cynicism that materializes in an unrelenting desire to change the world. We are simple in our desires but the complexities amongst us muddle the clarity of our paths.

They change lives (Muahha but actually they're teachers amongst other things).

I speak sincerely when I say they "get me". For the first time, no matter how hidden it is, they know when I hurt, when i love, when i'm silly, when i'm ridiculous, when i'm drunk, when i'm beyond drunk, when i need to be checked, when i need a hug and when i just need them.

this is nothing short of a miracle.

i love you. you are my heart.

OK OK OK Enough of the lovefest...point is remember the incremental miracles!

My mind wanders to him...

Unwillingly. Against all my control. Despite distraction in all its forms, my heart yearns for him. Habit makes me want him. Its hurts me to my soul...every day to work away from what it used to be. The nostalgia is inevitable. I hear the lyrics again...

"Fingertips on the small of my back

More valuable than all I own

Like your precious, precious, precious, precious dark skin tone"

Its like he never left. He's still laying there, the warmth of his arm against mine and i still hear him - "It was the sweet, sweet, sweetest thing i've know"

From time to time my I wander adding things to my mental to do list. i figure if I put enough on it i'll never get to actually dealing with how much i miss him...but i always wander right back to him. my head knows better. no going back.

can i love another?

A wise man once told me

... So when you demonstrate your love for one person, you are doing it so in a way in which you cannot do so with another. Your thoughts, words, actions - your responses- are literally impossible to duplicate-one of a kind...just as is the person for whom you have these feelings.

If the time has come when you have desired this special demonstration with one person alone, then choose it. Announce it, and declare it. Yet make your declaration an announcement moment-to-moment of your freedom, not your ongoing obligation For true love is always free, and obligation cannot exist in the space of love.

If you see your decision to express your love in a particular way with only one particular other as a sacred promise, never broker, the day may come when you will experience that promise as an obligation- and you will resent it. Yet if you see this decision no as a promise, made only once, but as a free choice, made over and over, the day of resentment will never come.

Remember this: There is only one sacred promise-and that is to tell and live your truth. All other promises are forfeitures of freedom, and that can never be sacred. For freedom is Who You Are. If you forfeit freedom, you forfeit Self.

...for the two beautiful women who have been my sanity for months...