locked inside a spotted mind

And then something happens that jogs your memory ever so slightly.

And then ever so slightly you begin to remember.

And then you remember.

They were purple.

They were scattered and red and purple at the outskirts.

They started to dissipate to yellow and at the edge they were almost green.

You could count them.

They formed constellations on my skin.

They gathered on groups on either side of the nape and wrapped forward.

There were ten groups in a familiar pattern.

A pattern most recognizable at the bottom of sandboxes and painted on mother’s day presents.

Except these were bigger.

These had more force within them.

Too strong for the naiveté imprinted in sand.

To strong to be of anything other than rage.

They were painful.

They constricted passages.

They disallowed breath.

They strangled.

They strangled and I collapsed.

I collapsed in rage.

I collapsed wearing blue.

I was blue.

I was rage in blue.

It jogs your memory when you see the same marks on someone else’s neck.

backwards

Just thinking I
this is my thinking eye
this is my eye to the sky
this is I
me
thinking my way to the stars
better yet to mars
better yet even far,
further away from here
like the tears
I’ve spent years
Distancing myself from
like now they’re stuck
like they don’t fall
like rough
like a desert
we cant crumble
we are of pieces
like crumble
like cakes
like apple crumble on cakes
like weddings
like cakes
like we’re forever stuck on top of cakes,
like we’re the obedient sugar statues stuck on top of cakes
like stuck
like my mind is stuck
with the rest of the world
with the unimaginative
with the stagnant
with the tangible
like stuck behind bars
I’m scarred
from the inhibition
I’ve been conditioned with
conditioned to believe
I’m less of me
like inhibitions really mean what we think they mean
like they’re really real
like reality
like really how could he
like how could he
cause me to believe
I am but a substandard version of me
of the woman my mother made me to be
like ingrained in me
ingrained like grains of sand
impassioned with time
and hardened
like glass
like crass
like the hardening was inevitable
because she
like we
like we’ll continue to be
are
the backbone of
our
nation
despite what they’ve made us to be
she carried me
like on her back
like in her womb
like working harder than every man I’ve met
like any man
like she
like we
like power
like strength
like perseverance are we
like women we are
like we are women

circles
I have wanted nothing but you
I have wanted you for years.
Since before your smile grew up.
Then i decided i wanted to hide in your heart.
Even when I had you I wanted you.
Even then, It was always like you were just out of reach.
Just as now, you are just out of reach.
I am relentlessly hopeful
Delusioned with the thought of you in front of me
I am hopeful that you know me
I am hopeful you know you can make me happy.
I think you underestimate the courage of your love
I think you underestimate your ability to make me smile
Or do I overestimate?
Is it an overestimation if my heart only understands your eyes?
Am I mistaken that my love can only find its smile while reflecting pieces of yours?
I have wanted nothing but you.
A whole you.
I have wholly wanted nothing but you,
As a whole
Wanted you to be whole enough to give of yourself wholly
Wanted for you to love me relentlessly
Wanted you to show me
Wanted you to know that these tears matter
Wanted to know what matters to you
I have wanted you closer
I have always wanted you closer.
I wish you were closer.
I have wanted nothing but for you to know that I always want you closer
I know this feeling
I have been here before
unbalanced, unpredictable
I have never liked it
You are my balance.