Saturday, July 31, 2010
Laughter is my defense mechanism
She told me "Nicole, your funny."
Not because at that moment i was actually funny in the "knock knock" sense. She was refering to my ability to laugh in the face of all pain, heartache, confusion, dissatisfaction & ignorance. Most specifically she was refering to that moment, when she could see my pain in the sadness of my eyes.
For these instances, laughter has always been the best thing I could come up with. When its pure its stands on its own. When its not, only the few and far between have enough insight into me to know the smiles aren't genuine.
Over time, I've found if i laugh first nobody has the oportunity to respond to me in a way that may challenges me, hurt me, or even destroy me. Extreme emotion - i'd rather people not know about. The vulnerability created when people are able to appraise exactly what I value and exactly what hurts, shakes me to my core.
While i write this i'm not sure how I feel about that fear, but I dont know any different. In the household i was raised in, my mother was the consistant. She remains the rock. The constant success, so much so that her accomplishments have started to go unnoticed. The dependable actor. Glimpses of her vulnerability were vaguely recognlizable until recently. She has never needed help. This mindset has been ingrained in me since such a young age that i cant even imagine the first step in letting other people help. I just laugh.
Laugh at the impossibility of taking on the world by myself
Laugh at the tragic nature of the "me against the world" mentality
Laugh at the ability to hide behind my laughter
Laugh at the ability to speak exactly how i feel
As long as what is being said is stated with a smile so it does not offend
Laugh at those people for not understanding my cynicism
Laugh at the inability to trust that people are kind in nature
Laugh at the inability to communicate our deepest emotions
Laugh at the inability to embody the values we stand for
Laugh at the conquerable
Laugh in Love the first time your mind chooses to accept you heart
Laugh in family, who's words and actions will forever shape
Laugh in the presence of the most beautiful people
who can only be explained as the embodiment of a higher force
Laugh in Faith that everyday is exactly how it should be
Laugh in Beauty when its found it the most unexpected places
Laugh in Art - classical, modern, in the faces of strangers
Laugh in Men, their strength, their beauty, their love
Laugh in Truth
Not because at that moment i was actually funny in the "knock knock" sense. She was refering to my ability to laugh in the face of all pain, heartache, confusion, dissatisfaction & ignorance. Most specifically she was refering to that moment, when she could see my pain in the sadness of my eyes.
For these instances, laughter has always been the best thing I could come up with. When its pure its stands on its own. When its not, only the few and far between have enough insight into me to know the smiles aren't genuine.
Over time, I've found if i laugh first nobody has the oportunity to respond to me in a way that may challenges me, hurt me, or even destroy me. Extreme emotion - i'd rather people not know about. The vulnerability created when people are able to appraise exactly what I value and exactly what hurts, shakes me to my core.
While i write this i'm not sure how I feel about that fear, but I dont know any different. In the household i was raised in, my mother was the consistant. She remains the rock. The constant success, so much so that her accomplishments have started to go unnoticed. The dependable actor. Glimpses of her vulnerability were vaguely recognlizable until recently. She has never needed help. This mindset has been ingrained in me since such a young age that i cant even imagine the first step in letting other people help. I just laugh.
Laugh at the impossibility of taking on the world by myself
Laugh at the tragic nature of the "me against the world" mentality
Laugh at the ability to hide behind my laughter
Laugh at the ability to speak exactly how i feel
As long as what is being said is stated with a smile so it does not offend
Laugh at those people for not understanding my cynicism
Laugh at the inability to trust that people are kind in nature
Laugh at the inability to communicate our deepest emotions
Laugh at the inability to embody the values we stand for
Laugh at the conquerable
Laugh in Love the first time your mind chooses to accept you heart
Laugh in family, who's words and actions will forever shape
Laugh in the presence of the most beautiful people
who can only be explained as the embodiment of a higher force
Laugh in Faith that everyday is exactly how it should be
Laugh in Beauty when its found it the most unexpected places
Laugh in Art - classical, modern, in the faces of strangers
Laugh in Men, their strength, their beauty, their love
Laugh in Truth
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
On Repeat in my Soul
A worthwhile exchange
My Favorite:
"I beg you…to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer…"
His:
"So you mustn’t be frightened if a sadness rises in front of you, larger than any you have ever seen; if an anxiety, like light and cloud-shadows, moves over your hands and over everything you do. You must realize that something is happening to you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall. Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, any depression, since after all you don’t know what work these conditions are doing inside you?"
Rainer Maria Rilke - Letters to a Young Poet
My Favorite:
"I beg you…to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer…"
His:
"So you mustn’t be frightened if a sadness rises in front of you, larger than any you have ever seen; if an anxiety, like light and cloud-shadows, moves over your hands and over everything you do. You must realize that something is happening to you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall. Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, any depression, since after all you don’t know what work these conditions are doing inside you?"
Rainer Maria Rilke - Letters to a Young Poet
Electric Lips
flickering candlelight
caused a ripple on the surface of his eyes
warm chocolate eyes
sweetening my wine
molasses smoke,
licked guitar cries,
and his honey sweet voice
catch in my tight curls
and his spring coat creating the sensation
hours later as i watch the sun rise from his bed
the sensation of
electric lips
buzzing and warm
thousands of nerves standing on end
from his pillow-soft kiss and sweet earth scent
a vanilla-tinted breeze
drying these drenched seets
after i spent all day avoinding his whit hot glances
averting the enerfy transfered in a cordial embrace
remembering the feeling
electric lips
how can it be
that everyone around us
didn't feel the air heating up
from the race my heart was in with itself
or maybe with his...?
either way
we both win
7AM
electric hips
electric kiss
electric
lips
-a lady of love
caused a ripple on the surface of his eyes
warm chocolate eyes
sweetening my wine
molasses smoke,
licked guitar cries,
and his honey sweet voice
catch in my tight curls
and his spring coat creating the sensation
hours later as i watch the sun rise from his bed
the sensation of
electric lips
buzzing and warm
thousands of nerves standing on end
from his pillow-soft kiss and sweet earth scent
a vanilla-tinted breeze
drying these drenched seets
after i spent all day avoinding his whit hot glances
averting the enerfy transfered in a cordial embrace
remembering the feeling
electric lips
how can it be
that everyone around us
didn't feel the air heating up
from the race my heart was in with itself
or maybe with his...?
either way
we both win
7AM
electric hips
electric kiss
electric
lips
-a lady of love
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Sometimes I Forget Why I Love New York....
and just as that happens i'm reminded again.
A days worth of examples.
1) On the way to work (approximately 8:00 AM) as i trudge the same path to the subway i'm cognizant of the new faces that come with a new neighborhood. There's a guy i've not seen before walking his dog. He caught my eye for a sec as do most men with their fair share of tattoos but thats not why he was memorable. Literally as I walked by, his dog drops a massiveee two. like three human twos right there on the street. I hurry past but the potent scent lingers. ... Happy Wednesday...
2) I'm standing on the platform oat 145th st waiting for my chaffer...or the downtown A train, whatever you want to call it. My 6. head is tucked in a book as its too late to be starting conversations with strangers. I glance up briefly and see a decent looking man across the platform waiting for the uptown train. Avert my eyes, and i'm back at my book. I feel a tap on my shoulder. Same guy. He's missed his train and walked over to my platform to introduce himself and ask what i was reading. The standard "where are you from", "what do you dos" are exchanged. As quickly as it starts, it ends but the introduction is refreshing.
3) I'm waking across town from West 4th to my humble abode. I make it to about Bleeker and broadway and i see a homeless man strait chillin on this midsummer night (Bigups! mr shakespeare). Feet kicked up, leaned back on his cardboard couch with a hand rolled cigarette hanging off his lip. pause. with his CELLPHONE in his hand engrossed in whatever tomfoolery he was engaged in...PLUGGED into an outdoor storefront outlet. Just a regular day recharging the batteries. Please note...last time i checked, cell phones required a billing address and last i check, shelters do not allow theur tenants to use the shelter address as their permanent resident address. so, pray tell...how is this possible.
so like i said, i love new york
OTHER REASONS NYC IS TO LEGIT TO QUIT
AND SOON TO COME...
What other city could pull this off. It's the biggest street ball stage, meets the MECCA of organized basketball meets the epicenter of NY...bright lights and all.
A days worth of examples.
1) On the way to work (approximately 8:00 AM) as i trudge the same path to the subway i'm cognizant of the new faces that come with a new neighborhood. There's a guy i've not seen before walking his dog. He caught my eye for a sec as do most men with their fair share of tattoos but thats not why he was memorable. Literally as I walked by, his dog drops a massiveee two. like three human twos right there on the street. I hurry past but the potent scent lingers. ... Happy Wednesday...
2) I'm standing on the platform oat 145th st waiting for my chaffer...or the downtown A train, whatever you want to call it. My 6. head is tucked in a book as its too late to be starting conversations with strangers. I glance up briefly and see a decent looking man across the platform waiting for the uptown train. Avert my eyes, and i'm back at my book. I feel a tap on my shoulder. Same guy. He's missed his train and walked over to my platform to introduce himself and ask what i was reading. The standard "where are you from", "what do you dos" are exchanged. As quickly as it starts, it ends but the introduction is refreshing.
3) I'm waking across town from West 4th to my humble abode. I make it to about Bleeker and broadway and i see a homeless man strait chillin on this midsummer night (Bigups! mr shakespeare). Feet kicked up, leaned back on his cardboard couch with a hand rolled cigarette hanging off his lip. pause. with his CELLPHONE in his hand engrossed in whatever tomfoolery he was engaged in...PLUGGED into an outdoor storefront outlet. Just a regular day recharging the batteries. Please note...last time i checked, cell phones required a billing address and last i check, shelters do not allow theur tenants to use the shelter address as their permanent resident address. so, pray tell...how is this possible.
so like i said, i love new york
OTHER REASONS NYC IS TO LEGIT TO QUIT
AND SOON TO COME...
What other city could pull this off. It's the biggest street ball stage, meets the MECCA of organized basketball meets the epicenter of NY...bright lights and all.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Mys-tique Nightcrawler Rogue
Every so often in life every one of us is granted our share of miracles. Now miracles are often thought to be those things that "Wow". That one thing you've longed for as a kid you've finally achieved, an experience you could have only imagined in your dreams somehow magically presenting itself, meeting your favorite celebrity completely by chance and ending up becoming friends. While this breed of occurrences is nothing short of awesome, what about the miracles that happen incrementally? It's like they get overlooked because there isn't one specific moment they can be pinned to. How simple minded of us (or maybe its just me) not to appreciate them simply because our concept of time allows for overwhelming emotion to be more memorable when tied to one moment rather than a series of associated moments, people or locations. What is this obsession with time? (another topic for another day)
Really this post is meant to take a step back. More often then not, we are to caught up in making it through our days without making ourselves crazy that we do not get these opportunities. I'd like to take this one to appreciate a miracle.
Its happened incrementally. and blossomed beautifully. With additions always welcome, we celebrate each other. In the last two months i've had the pleasure of watching/ partaking in the growth of friendship that is the stuff that lasts for lifetimes. These women are the type who will change the world. They push you to make you better. They listen so well that they make up the few of the masses that ask the right questions. Insightful, educated questions. The questions that test you and force you to reflect. In knowing them, i have come to know myself better. I've been able to articulate out loud things that i've hidden from all my life (or at least failed to mention because i knew nobody understood me enough to even notice). They have opened my mind and made me a better version of myself. For that I am forever indebted.
Like most women, especially most women of our generation we are an enigmatic bunch. A laundry list of adjectives does not suffice in describing these women. They are strong and compassionate. Hardened by realities and driven dreams. Carriers of a cynicism that materializes in an unrelenting desire to change the world. We are simple in our desires but the complexities amongst us muddle the clarity of our paths.
They change lives (Muahha but actually they're teachers amongst other things).
I speak sincerely when I say they "get me". For the first time, no matter how hidden it is, they know when I hurt, when i love, when i'm silly, when i'm ridiculous, when i'm drunk, when i'm beyond drunk, when i need to be checked, when i need a hug and when i just need them.
this is nothing short of a miracle.
i love you. you are my heart.
OK OK OK Enough of the lovefest...point is remember the incremental miracles!
Really this post is meant to take a step back. More often then not, we are to caught up in making it through our days without making ourselves crazy that we do not get these opportunities. I'd like to take this one to appreciate a miracle.
Its happened incrementally. and blossomed beautifully. With additions always welcome, we celebrate each other. In the last two months i've had the pleasure of watching/ partaking in the growth of friendship that is the stuff that lasts for lifetimes. These women are the type who will change the world. They push you to make you better. They listen so well that they make up the few of the masses that ask the right questions. Insightful, educated questions. The questions that test you and force you to reflect. In knowing them, i have come to know myself better. I've been able to articulate out loud things that i've hidden from all my life (or at least failed to mention because i knew nobody understood me enough to even notice). They have opened my mind and made me a better version of myself. For that I am forever indebted.
Like most women, especially most women of our generation we are an enigmatic bunch. A laundry list of adjectives does not suffice in describing these women. They are strong and compassionate. Hardened by realities and driven dreams. Carriers of a cynicism that materializes in an unrelenting desire to change the world. We are simple in our desires but the complexities amongst us muddle the clarity of our paths.
They change lives (Muahha but actually they're teachers amongst other things).
I speak sincerely when I say they "get me". For the first time, no matter how hidden it is, they know when I hurt, when i love, when i'm silly, when i'm ridiculous, when i'm drunk, when i'm beyond drunk, when i need to be checked, when i need a hug and when i just need them.
this is nothing short of a miracle.
i love you. you are my heart.
OK OK OK Enough of the lovefest...point is remember the incremental miracles!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Urban Classics
Just picture it...its Wednesday night, your considering an outing on the town but your not really sold. The handful of people you really give a shit about are in a similar boat but could be swayed in either direction. Your thinking a movie but you don't want an adventure or something you've never seen because that can turn into a disaster. And that would be a surprise that nobody signed up for. You want a sure thing. But then you think of the energy it takes to find a sure thing...in the store, on line, live streaming strait to your computer.
thats where I come in. URBAN CLASSICS...all classics included!
Your choices look like this...
House Party (1 - infiniti)...BAPS...The Wood...Friday (1 - infiniti)...Brown Sugar...The Gospel...Boyz in the Hood...Sister Act 2...Love Jones...Poetic Justice...Love & Basketball...Something New...Baby Boy...The Best Man...Soul Food...Waiting to Exhale...How Stella Got Her Groove Back...Major Payne...Booty Call...How to be a Player...He Got Game...The Brothers...Barbershop...High School High...
i mean can you really go wrong?
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
My mind wanders to him...
Unwillingly. Against all my control. Despite distraction in all its forms, my heart yearns for him. Habit makes me want him. Its hurts me to my soul...every day to work away from what it used to be. The nostalgia is inevitable. I hear the lyrics again...
"Fingertips on the small of my back
More valuable than all I own
Like your precious, precious, precious, precious dark skin tone"
Its like he never left. He's still laying there, the warmth of his arm against mine and i still hear him - "It was the sweet, sweet, sweetest thing i've know"
From time to time my I wander adding things to my mental to do list. i figure if I put enough on it i'll never get to actually dealing with how much i miss him...but i always wander right back to him. my head knows better. no going back.
can i love another?
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Dazed and Confused
its 4:47 on a saturday. I've left my apartment for food once with no real intent of leaving it again. Last night lingers. A couple beer cans, a just used hookah and a half smoked j grace my coffee table courtesy of the beautiful people i spent my evening with.
I find myself at odds...mostly with myself. What am i doing? Why am i doing this? Where am I going? How do i get there? What do i believe in?
What about training for a marathon, getting a good workout in and then basically sprinting to the bar makes sense?
Why after confirming and re confirming that i'm not into it do i continue to allow you to sleep over?
Why after already deciding i was gonna tone down social life in an effort to save money did i get to the bar and immediately take out $100?
There are a whole bunch of beliefs that i thought i had. For example, I thought i believed in marriage and its representation of an ongoing love for another that you want to spend your life with. Turns out i don't really believe in it much at all:
passages for reflection -
[marriage] was the only way a female could guarantee her support and survival, and the only way a male could guarantee the constant availability of sex, and companionship. We are unlimited, eternal and free. Any artificial social, moral, religious, philosophical, economic or political construction which violates or subordinates your nature is an impingement upon your very self - and you will rail against it. We've given up liberty in out lives, all for the same thing: security. We are so afraid to love-so afraid of life itself- that we've given up the very nature of our being in trade for security. The institution of marriage is our attempt to create security...artificial social constructions designed to govern each other's behavior. We've intended marriage as the ultimate announcement of love but not constructed it this way. As we have constructed it, it is the ultimate announcement of fear"
I thought i believed that all people were fundamentally good. I still think most are but All? There is a certain kins of naiveté required to have an overarching positive belief like this rooted in nothing but hope. for me thats since gone. Once jaded, theres no going back. There is a level of ignorance and lack of knowledge that is the real inhibitor keeping people from their "goodness". This level of understanding was something i believed to be innate. Turns out, at least in my opinion, there is a learning curve.
It is nothing short of a blessing to find the few and far between that are genuinlly good, beautiful. If any of you beautiful people have any answers, i'm listening.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
A wise man once told me
... So when you demonstrate your love for one person, you are doing it so in a way in which you cannot do so with another. Your thoughts, words, actions - your responses- are literally impossible to duplicate-one of a kind...just as is the person for whom you have these feelings.
If the time has come when you have desired this special demonstration with one person alone, then choose it. Announce it, and declare it. Yet make your declaration an announcement moment-to-moment of your freedom, not your ongoing obligation For true love is always free, and obligation cannot exist in the space of love.
If you see your decision to express your love in a particular way with only one particular other as a sacred promise, never broker, the day may come when you will experience that promise as an obligation- and you will resent it. Yet if you see this decision no as a promise, made only once, but as a free choice, made over and over, the day of resentment will never come.
Remember this: There is only one sacred promise-and that is to tell and live your truth. All other promises are forfeitures of freedom, and that can never be sacred. For freedom is Who You Are. If you forfeit freedom, you forfeit Self.
...for the two beautiful women who have been my sanity for months...
Fuck Lebron James. Let's talk about Chris Bosh's Haircut
Often I wonder why people knowingly choose to look (for lack of a better word) uglier than they have to. If you don't know what i'm talking about, you be the judge.
HONESTLY?!?.....That is the same man. Its the difference between "Um please don't talk to me, don't even look in my direction. I Feel like a piece of steak you're preying on" to "hello, is a pleasure to meet you".
I mean, we all knew. He was published in articles like, "worst hair in sports" & "Worst Haircuts in the NBA." Chris, what took you so long?
FFT
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Atlanta's Crime Rate
We cannot take you seriously when you attempt to demand authority while riding around in one of these. If I weren't retired as a criminal i'd be pretty confident I could outrun that.
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Sincerely,
Yours TrulyThis is not a fucking soccer blog...
But that shit just happens to be on my mind so you can deal with it. The world cup ends on Sunday fuckers.
Two reasons i love Bill Simmons especially his comments on the world cup.
One...
Question No. 13: If you could change anything about soccer, what would it be?
I hate how teams milk leads in the last 15-20 minutes by faking injuries and taking forever to sub players. When that Ghana player had to be carried off on a stretcher at the tail end of the America game, then hopped off like nothing ever happened as soon as the stretcher was out of bounds, I thought that was appalling. Actually, it made me want to go to war with Ghana. I wanted to invade them. I'm not even kidding. That's another great thing about the World Cup: Name another sport in which you genuinely want to invade other countries when you lose.
Now obviously given my below post I was pulling for the lone stars of the African nation....but that shit is fucking annoying. You know damn well you are too big, strong and athletic to be rolling around like little girls after getting kicked in the shins by other little girls. This is the most uncool thing about professional mens soccer. I mean for christ sake...
This is the WPS (Womens Professional Soccer, assholes) compliments of the weekend and this is a more legitimate than anything I've seen in the World Cup (with maybe todays bicycle kick to the face as the only thing coming close) ... and they both got up!
Two...
Question No. 14: What's been the strangest thing about the 2010 World Cup?
To hear Germany described in such likable, underdoggy tones. Who would have thought these young upstarts would jell this fast? It's like the announcers were talking about the 2008 Tampa Bay Rays or something … if the Tampa Bay Rays had started two world wars and nearly brought down Europe.
Pure Comedy. Thank you Bill. Whats a little genocide humor to lighted up the day.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Disbeleif
Ghana...the hopes of Africa rested on your shoulders and millions around the world prayed for the miracle. We are a people of hope who favor the upset and will always pull for the Cinderella story. As a fan of the international sport i was among in the middle of laguardia with masses willing t miss their flight to observe the magic of an international upset. You could find me in the back, nerd glasses and a bright red tee adorned "enjoy Coke" jumping from my seat every time the Blackstars shot was cleared of the line. The chance for some bigger than Obama history to be made came...and went. My chest tightened like i missed. If only that crossbar was six inches higher... history would have been made today.
Blackstars made a nation proud
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