dismantled.

yeah i do. i love you. and with all of me, i stand here wanting to
beleive you when you say "I've never stopped loving you." see, since
we haven't been together i've used these words like razors cutting the
insides of my inner thighs just to make sure I could still feel. For
every word you've spent trying to bribe my confidence back onto being
there, is a depiction far from fiction engrained in my mind. so for
every word used to console me, there is an empty warehouse in Brooklyn
between my two best friends houses that collected the five hundred and
forty six thousand three hundred sixty seven tears from emotions you
chose to leave unaddressed. adjacent, there is the feeling of looking
at you, hoping youd look at me with a morsel of the pride your eyes
once held. Its sits on a shelf next to the seven days a week by eight
months coming to two hundred and forty days that i asked you to lay
next to me only for you to look at me like you had forgotten that you
loved me and walk away... every time. Next to that there are the
three thousand four hundred and fifty eight memories of me wanting you
to talk to me, to let me in long enough to remember that a year ago,
you thought you wanted to marry me. How after knowing you for eleven
years and loving you for four could you have let so many days pass
that i couldn't remember what my sense of touch felt like. why, month
after month after month after month could i not remember what it felt
like to sleep next to the man that i love. how did you not see me cry?
every day. every week. for weeks. i could not remember what it felt
like for you to take my hand in yours. i could not remember your lips.

at the end of it all i knew. i opened my soul to you and let you carry
it. i opened my chest, peeled back every single one of my ribs and
laid my heart in your hands. I have never wanted to know what another
mans skin felt like. my love is irrational. It is blind and
unrelenting. Unyielding & glaringly true. so i bear this hurt in my
words and revisit these words as they point to you. And i'm forced to
acknowledge that the only time i've been able to feel...was with you.

and still. on you. i give up. i cannot be dismantled again.