Dazed and Confused

its 4:47 on a saturday. I've left my apartment for food once with no real intent of leaving it again. Last night lingers. A couple beer cans, a just used hookah and a half smoked j grace my coffee table courtesy of the beautiful people i spent my evening with.

I find myself at odds...mostly with myself. What am i doing? Why am i doing this? Where am I going? How do i get there? What do i believe in?

What about training for a marathon, getting a good workout in and then basically sprinting to the bar makes sense?

Why after confirming and re confirming that i'm not into it do i continue to allow you to sleep over?

Why after already deciding i was gonna tone down social life in an effort to save money did i get to the bar and immediately take out $100?

There are a whole bunch of beliefs that i thought i had. For example, I thought i believed in marriage and its representation of an ongoing love for another that you want to spend your life with. Turns out i don't really believe in it much at all:

passages for reflection -

[marriage] was the only way a female could guarantee her support and survival, and the only way a male could guarantee the constant availability of sex, and companionship. We are unlimited, eternal and free. Any artificial social, moral, religious, philosophical, economic or political construction which violates or subordinates your nature is an impingement upon your very self - and you will rail against it. We've given up liberty in out lives, all for the same thing: security. We are so afraid to love-so afraid of life itself- that we've given up the very nature of our being in trade for security. The institution of marriage is our attempt to create security...artificial social constructions designed to govern each other's behavior. We've intended marriage as the ultimate announcement of love but not constructed it this way. As we have constructed it, it is the ultimate announcement of fear"

I thought i believed that all people were fundamentally good. I still think most are but All? There is a certain kins of naiveté required to have an overarching positive belief like this rooted in nothing but hope. for me thats since gone. Once jaded, theres no going back. There is a level of ignorance and lack of knowledge that is the real inhibitor keeping people from their "goodness". This level of understanding was something i believed to be innate. Turns out, at least in my opinion, there is a learning curve.

It is nothing short of a blessing to find the few and far between that are genuinlly good, beautiful. If any of you beautiful people have any answers, i'm listening.