She told me "Nicole, your funny."
Not because at that moment i was actually funny in the "knock knock" sense. She was refering to my ability to laugh in the face of all pain, heartache, confusion, dissatisfaction & ignorance. Most specifically she was refering to that moment, when she could see my pain in the sadness of my eyes.
For these instances, laughter has always been the best thing I could come up with. When its pure its stands on its own. When its not, only the few and far between have enough insight into me to know the smiles aren't genuine.
Over time, I've found if i laugh first nobody has the oportunity to respond to me in a way that may challenges me, hurt me, or even destroy me. Extreme emotion - i'd rather people not know about. The vulnerability created when people are able to appraise exactly what I value and exactly what hurts, shakes me to my core.
While i write this i'm not sure how I feel about that fear, but I dont know any different. In the household i was raised in, my mother was the consistant. She remains the rock. The constant success, so much so that her accomplishments have started to go unnoticed. The dependable actor. Glimpses of her vulnerability were vaguely recognlizable until recently. She has never needed help. This mindset has been ingrained in me since such a young age that i cant even imagine the first step in letting other people help. I just laugh.
Laugh at the impossibility of taking on the world by myself
Laugh at the tragic nature of the "me against the world" mentality
Laugh at the ability to hide behind my laughter
Laugh at the ability to speak exactly how i feel
As long as what is being said is stated with a smile so it does not offend
Laugh at those people for not understanding my cynicism
Laugh at the inability to trust that people are kind in nature
Laugh at the inability to communicate our deepest emotions
Laugh at the inability to embody the values we stand for
Laugh at the conquerable
Laugh in Love the first time your mind chooses to accept you heart
Laugh in family, who's words and actions will forever shape
Laugh in the presence of the most beautiful people
who can only be explained as the embodiment of a higher force
Laugh in Faith that everyday is exactly how it should be
Laugh in Beauty when its found it the most unexpected places
Laugh in Art - classical, modern, in the faces of strangers
Laugh in Men, their strength, their beauty, their love
Laugh in Truth
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